The Delicate Art of Affirmation

 

So a few years ago I had this youth at our church who wanted to be in a leadership position. Not so much that they had been called to be a minister to others, but they just want to be in charge. One summer they came before the Board of Christian Education when they heard that we wouldn’t be organizing a VBS, and proposed that if they got all the needed supplies donated they could organize one. The board approved the venture, and the teen began what I will only describe as a tyrannical dictade. The last night of VBS the president of the Board of Christian Education closed up shop by sharing a few words to visiting parents and volunteers and then said that she wanted to give a special thanks to the teen that had helped get things moving for VBS. It was at this moment that the student came up on stage, walked up to the microphone, and started giving an inappropriate impromptu on par with Kanye West’s charade at the VMAs a few years back. Despite drawing mass amounts of attention to themselves they managed to make a few backhanded comments about other volunteers in the process. The whole thing was terrible.

The event brings to mind a verse from the book of Proverbs which says, “The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but man is tested by the praise he receives” (Proverbs 27:21 NIV). For those who don’t know, precious metals are tested and formed with high heat in instruments like a furnace. The comparison the writer is making is that just as you can find what quality minerals a piece of gold or silver is made of when you heat it up you can also see what quality character a person has if they get the praise of others and how they receive it. Now there are many people who deserve a round of applause for the work they do and never even get a pat on the back, and not everyone who gets a little public recognition is going to respond with a dramatic acceptance speech worthy of the Oscars, but this is generally a pretty honest indicator.

If you ever tell a kid that you think they are pretty talented at guitar and they precede to brag or break down a sick riff for you right there then they probably aren’t ready to lead the worship team, and if you compliment a students on a good decision they made and they respond with a comment such as, “I know, not like so and so did” then you may want to reconsider asking them to participate in that student-lead devotion next month. Of course this doesn’t go just for teens; I would strongly suggest the same when dealing with adult leaders, if they have done something to make you question the compliments you have given them it may be time to examine why. Talk to this person about your concerns. It may seem tough, even awkward; to do this at first, but remember that in the long run you are helping them by not affirming their ego and possibly saving yourself some future ministry headaches.